I find myself thinking often about the idea of brokenness lately. There’s an obvious reason, but it runs much deeper than that. We think of brokenness as something negative, something shameful and demeaning, something to be mourned. But consider this: brokenness may possibly be a prerequisite for entrance into the kingdom of God. I offer as evidence three examples: the apostles Peter, John and Paul.

Peter was a strong personality, very sure of himself, always wanting to be the leader. He is often rash and impulsive, and yet he is able to recognize Jesus for who He is: the Messiah, the son of God Himself. Peter has a problem, though: what he THINKS Jesus’s mission is on earth is nowhere near what the mission is in reality. Peter and the other disciples are thinking Restoration of the Kingdom of Israel, and they spend their time jockeying for position as advisors to the King once it’s established. Peter sees himself as perfect for the role as defender of the King-brave, loyal to death. a natural leader. It isn’t until Jesus tells him of his impending denial (which Peter of course denies could ever happen), and Peter denies Him three times that he finally sees himself clearly, a craven coward who would deny his Lord when the heat was turned up. All of Peter’s pride and false bravado were finally smashed to pieces. Only then could the Lord form him into the Apostle Peter, a true leader of the Lord’s church, privileged to preach the first sermon on Pentecost.

Then there’s John. We know him as the Apostle of love, author of one of the Gospels and three Epistles, by tradition one of the elders of the Ephesian church. But if you go back to the beginning, John and his brother James were known by another name: Boanerges, Sons of Thunder. Apparently the boys had anger management issues, as demonstrated by the incident where they wanted Jesus to call down fire on a Samaritan village because they had rejected Jesus. These were also the disciples who had the temerity to ask (or have their mother ask) Jesus for seats on His right and left hand when His kingdom was established. One can speculate that perhaps because Jesus frequently took Peter and them with Him on specific tasks they saw nothing wrong with their outrageously ambitious request. Like all the rest, the brothers had no understanding of Jesus’ mission. To John’s credit, he remained with Jesus through the sham trial, and stood at the foot of the cross to watch Jesus die. He was also given responsibility to care for Jesus’ mother, Mary. Somewhere in all of that, the Son of Thunder was broken, and the Apostle of Love was born.

Paul is perhaps the most interesting of all. Never a follower of Jesus, Paul actively sought to destroy the early church, convinced they were enemies of the Law. Paul was a solid believer and defender of the Law of Moses, and any deviation from it was to be dealt with harshly. Paul had all the bona fides: taught by the most respected rabbi, rock solid in the Law and the traditions, a member of the most strict sect of the Jews. He was a little like that really annoying valedictorian of your graduating class. Paul was completely convinced he was doing the Lord’s work until a bright light and an encounter with Jesus Messiah, conqueror of death and now standing at the right hand of God Himself, broke his “foundation” to dust and completely unmade him. Three days of blindness, alone with the Lord explaining what was going to happen to him from here on out began the transformation from Saul, persecutor of the church, to Paul, Apostle to the Gentiles, establisher of churches, author of epistles, and bondservant of Jesus Christ.

The more we think of ourselves as valuable to God and His kingdom, the less value we are. We may well have talents and abilities that would prove to be useful, but they cannot be wielded by us. As long as we think we’re okay, we’re pretty good, or worse that we’re pretty special, God has no use for us. Jesus said, “If anyone would come after me (become my disciple), let him deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me”. It requires being broken in order to follow Christ, and we cannot do it ourselves. We must surrender ourselves- our will, our true self, our claim of control of ourselves-to Christ, and allow Him to break us, put to death the pride, envy, lust, greed, and re-form the broken pieces into the person that He desires we should be. It is an empty vessel, ready to be filled with His spirit and His person, a vessel that will shine with His glory and His image. It is a vessel that rejoices in being used for His purposes and designs.

To those who know their own brokenness, please don’t despair. Jesus can fix that if you will let Him. Come to Him, obey His command to become His, bring him the broken pieces, and He will do glorious things with them. My prayer for you is one day we can rejoice together at His throne that His love is greater than our brokenness, that He chose us to be called children of God.

As far as my own current brokenness, I am doing better than last week. I think I may be starting into the recovery period before the next cycle of chemotherapy. It’s a bit ironic-I didn’t realize how well I was doing prior to chemo until having experienced the past week. I look forward to a few good days before the next round begins. I still have more brokenness to experience, but I look forward to what God has in store when it is over.